It’s been six years and four crappy Twilight movies since Kate Beckinsale last donned her leather get-up to play vampire Selene, burrowing her way into the hearts of fanboys around the world. This week she returns in Underworld: Awakening to once again wage war on the beastly Lycans and look good doing it. The Haiku Review thought it would be a good time to take a look back at the franchise and slap some syllables down on the not-so-guilty-pleasures.

Underworld (2003)

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Bill Nighy & Michael Sheen
Screenplay by Danny McBride
Directed by Len Wiseman

In the midst of a long-raging war, vampire Selene must protect a human named Michael who is being hunted by werewolves, but things become complicated when they fall in love.

Hey, remember when
vamps and werewolves were scary,
not sparkly and lame?

Grade: B+

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Tony Curran, Derek Jacobi, Bill Nighy & Michael Sheen
Screenplay by Danny McBride
Directed by Len Wiseman

After the death of Viktor, Marcus – the last remaining elder vampire – seeks to destroy destroy Selene and Michael and unleash his werewolf brother William from captivity.

Vamp-on-wolf sex. She
should have showered before that
catsuit went back on.

Grade: B

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

Starring: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy & Rhona Mitra
Screenplay by Danny McBride and Dirk Blackman & Howard McCain
Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos

Beckinsale sat out the third entry in the series, a prequel that tells how the war between vampires and werewolves started with a slave rebellion, forbidden love, and a father ruthless enough to sacrifice his own daughter.

Sheen and Nighy are great,
but without leather-clad Kate,
it’s just not the same.

Grade: B-

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

Starring: Kate Beckinsale & Stephen Rea
Screenplay by Len Wiseman & John Hlavin and J. Michael Straczynski and Allison Burnett
Directed by Måns Mårlind & Björn Stein

In the latest entry in the franchise, Selene wakes up after 12 years in cryogenic stasis to find that humans have nearly wiped out vampires and werewolves. She also learns that she has a hybrid daughter whom she must protect from the Lycans, who want her for nefarious purposes.

You’re telling me that
Scott Speedman was too busy
for Underworld 4?

Grade: C+

So now the Haiku Review wants to know what you thought of the Underworld movies. Feel free to share your comments or leave your own haiku below.

By Daniel J. Hoag
Underworld, Underworld: Evolution and Underworld: Rise of the Lycans are available on Blu-ray and DVD.
Underworld: Awakening is now playing in theaters nationwide.

Rise of the Lycans: