Tag Archive: Queens


Haiku Review: A Royal Affair (2012)

royal affairStarring: Alicia Vikander, Mads Mikkelsen & Mikkel Boe Følsgaard
Screenplay by Rasmus Heisterberg & Nikolaj Arcel
Directed by Nikolaj Arcel

In 18th century Denmark, a young queen’s affair with her mentally-ill husband’s doctor leads to political and cultural revolution.


At least leaders back
then had mental illness and
inbreeding to blame.

Grade: A-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
A Royal Affair is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1276419/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

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Starring: Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost & Toby Jones
Screenplay by Evan Daugherty and John Lee Hancock and Hossein Amini
Directed by Rupert Sanders

When a princess escapes the clutches of an evil queen, a hunter is dispatched to retrieve her.


Stewart’s the rotten
core that helps make this shiny
apple taste so bad.

Grade: C+


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Snow White and the Huntsman is available on Blu-ray and DVD tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735898/

Starring: Hugh Grant, Martin Freeman, Imelda Staunton, David Tennant, Jeremy Piven, Salma Hayek, Anton Yelchin, Brendan Gleeson, Ashley Jensen & Brian Blessed
Screenplay by Gideon Defoe
Directed by Peter Lord

A band of misfit pirates run afoul of Queen Victoria while trying to win their captain the infamous Pirate of the Year award.


The folks at Aarrrrrrrrrdman
plunder laughs without acting
like drunk Keith Richards.

Grade: B


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Pirates! Band of Misfits is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1430626/

Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans & Ray Stevenson
Screenplay by Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies
Directed by Paul W. S. Anderson

D’Artagnan and the three Musketeers try to stop a deadly conspiracy involving Cardinal Richelieu, the assassin Milday, and the Duke of Buckingham.


It’s all for one, but
one may be for eye-gouging
after watching this.

Grade: C-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Three Musketeers is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 3/13/12.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1509767/

(Blu) Haiku Review: Anonymous (2011)

Starring: Rhys Ifans, Vanessa Redgrave, Joely Richardson, David Thewlis & Derek Jacobi
Written by John Orloff
Directed by Roland Emmerich

Director Roland Emmerich stages an account of the conspiracy theory that the work of William Shakespeare was actually written by the Earl of Oxford.


The Bard gets blasphemed
by a true Hollywood hack.
A real tragedy.

Grade: C-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Anonymous is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1521197/

Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce & Michael Gambon
Screenplay by David Seidler
Directed by Tom Hooper

Based on the true story of King George VI who struggled to overcome a lifelong, debilitating speech impediment and become the inspiring voice of nation facing war.


Hooper’s a thief but
Firth earned the Oscar on his
muh-muh-muh-mantel.

Grade: A-


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
The King’s Speech is available on Blu-ray and DVD tomorrow.
It was the winner of the Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Actor (Colin Firth), Best Director (Tom Hooper) and Best Orginal Screenplay (David Seidler), 2010. It was also nominated for Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound Mixing, Best Supporting Actress (Helena Bonham Carter), and Best Supporting Actor (Geoffrey Rush).
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1504320/