Archive for May, 2011


Starring: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke & David Morse
Written by Todd Farmer & Patrick Lussier
Directed by Patrick Lussier

An undead felon breaks out of hell to seek revenge on the cult-worshipping savages who murdered his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter.


Hell is a Nic Cage
movie burning your eyeballs
for eternity.

Grade: F


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Drive Angry is available on Blu-ray and DVD tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1502404/

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Starring: Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Ken Jeong & Paul Giamatti
Written by Todd Phillips & Scot Armstrong & Craig Mazin
Directed by Todd Phillips

In Thailand for a wedding, the calamity-prone Wolfpack undergoes another disastrous, drug-fueled excursion.


Unabashedly
the same; and thus, a quaff less
intoxicating.

Grade: B


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Hangover Part II is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1411697/

Featuring: Ray Kurzweil
Directed by Barry Ptolemy

A documentary about inventor and futurist Ray Kurzweil, who predicts that the exponential growth of technological advancement and artificial intelligence will lead humans to merge with machines in just forty years–an event known as the Singularity.


Sci-fi sans the “fi”
A prophet to believe in
Watch out for Skynet!

Grade: B+


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Transcendent Man is available on DVD tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1117394/

Starring: James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Michael Caine, Maggie Smith & Jason Statham
Directed by Kelly Asbury

The story of Romeo & Juliet told with garden gnomes.


Here’s what would happen
if Shakespeare and Elton John
had a brain-dead child.

Grade: D


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Gnomeo & Juliet is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 5/24/11.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377981/

Starring: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler & Kevin Bacon
Written and directed by James Gunn

Emotionally disturbed after his wife runs off with a drug dealer, a man dresses like a superhero and begins fighting crime despite not having any powers.


Hard, wrench-hitting truth?
Real “supes” are sociopaths.
Crime shuts up; you’ll laugh.

Grade: B+


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Super is now playing in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1512235/

Starring: Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush & Ian McShane
Screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio
Directed by Rob Marshall

In his quest to find the Fountain of Youth, Captain Jack Sparrow must deal with dangerous mermaids, the evil pirate Blackbeard, and Blackbeard’s fiesty daughter.


Sparrow’s enemies:
low stakes and stagey action.
Arrrrrrgh. Abandon ship!

Grade: C


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1298650/

Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Timothy Olyphant, Teresa Palmer & Dianna Agron
Screenplay by Alfred Gough & Miles Millar and Marti Noxon
Directed by D.J. Caruso

A teenager from another planet taking refuge on Earth must use his extraordinary powers to protect himself from the extraterrestrial enemies that are hunting him.


One Glee chick. Two types
of E.T. Three bland blondes. I
am Four-mulaic.
Grade: C


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
I Am Number Four is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 5/24/11.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1464540/

Starring: Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton & John Leguizamo
Written by Anthony Jaswinski
Directed by Brad Anderson

Four strangers take refuge in a bar after an unexplained darkness takes over the city of Detroit and mysteriously whisks away most of the population.


Pure garbled nonsense.
All but incompetence got
spirited away.

Grade: F


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Vanishing on 7th Street is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 5/24/11.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1452628/

Starring: Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Donald Sutherland & Tony Goldwyn
Screenplay by Richard Wenk and Lewis John Carlino
Directed by Simon West

An elite assassin seeks revenge on the men who ordered the death of a close friend, a situation complicated by the arrival of the dead man’s son who has similar intentions.


This broken down ride
hits too many p(l)ot holes and
is beyond repair.

Grade: C


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Mechanic is available on Blu-ray and DVD today.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472399/

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Colin O’Donoghue, Alice Braga, Ciarán Hinds, Rutger Hauer & Toby Jones
Written by Michael Petroni
Directed by Mikael Hafström

A skeptical seminary student sent to study exorcism at the Vatican sees terrifying things when he is mentored by an experienced priest.


Your head will spin ’round
possessed by boredom, hellbent
on something less dull.

Grade: C


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Rite is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 5/17/11.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1161864/