Haiku Review: Carrie (2013)

Starring: Chloë Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer & Portia Doubleday
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen & Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Directed by Kimberly Peirce

After suffering abuse at the hands of her fanatically religious mother and cruel high school bullies, a teenage girl with telekinetic powers is pushed to the point of revenge.


One of her powers
is the ability to
make you roll your eyes.

Grade: C


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Carrie is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1939659/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: You’re Next (2013)

Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn, AJ Bowen & Joe Swanberg
Written by Simon Barrett
Directed by Adam Wingard

A wealthy but dysfunctional family finds itself under attack from a trio of masked killers.


Once you have sex next
to your dead mom, it’s hard to
go back to normal.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
You’re Next is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1853739/?ref_=hm_inth_t3

Haiku Review: The Conjuring (2013)

Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Lili Taylor & Ron Livingston
Written by Chad Hayes & Carey W. Hayes
Directed by James Wan

Based on the true story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who, in 1971, helped a family that was being terrorized by a demonic presence shortly after moving into a new home.


Prepare yourself for
the scariest film ever
made about clapping.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Conjuring is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1457767/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: The Purge (2013)

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey & Rhys Wakefield
Written and directed by James DeMonaco

A security expert and his family are held under siege during the Annual Purge, a 12-hour period when all crime–including murder–is legal.


You mean the king of
security’s never heard
of a panic room?

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Purge is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2184339/

Haiku Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare & Derek Mears
Written and directed by Tommy Wirkola

Fairy tale siblings Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches.


This tooth-rotting house
is made of stale candy corn,
sh!tty dialogue.

Grade: D


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: World War Z (2013)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz & James Badge Dale
Written by Matthew Michael Carnahan and Drew Goddard & Damon Lindelof
Directed by Marc Forster

A United Nations employee traverses the globe investigating a zombie pandemic that is threatening to bring about the extinction of humanity.


Hey, that zombie book
you love has been turned into
a movie title!

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
World War Z is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: This Is the End (2013)

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride, Michael Cera & Emma Watson
Written & directed by Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg

Hollywood celebrities attempt to survive the apocalypse by barricading themselves inside actor James Franco’s house.


Whoa, Catholic school failed
to mention the whole getting-
raped-by-demons thing.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
This Is the End is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1245492/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Mama (2013)

Starring: Jessica Chastain & Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Screenplay by Neil Cross and Andy Muschietti & Barbara Muschietti
Directed by Andy Muschietti

When two young girls are taken in by their uncle and his girlfriend after living alone in the woods for several years, a haunting, maternal presence follows them to their new home.


Hey, for a little
extra free time, I’d let a
ghost watch my children.

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Mama is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2023587/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Room 237 (2013)

Directed by Rodney Ascher

This documentary explores numerous conspiracy theories about the hidden meanings that Stanley Kubrick supposedly buried in his 1980 film The Shining.


All work and no play
makes Jack dream up some crazy,
whacked-out ideas.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Room 237 is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2085910/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson & Tania Raymonde
Screenplay by Adam Marcus & Debra Sullivan and Kristen Elms
Directed by John Luessenhop

A young woman inherits a Texas farmhouse where she discovers her connection to a chainsaw-wielding murderer.


You’re not supposed to
“like” the psychopath, just how
he butchers assholes.

Grade: C-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Texas Chainsaw is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1572315/?ref_=sr_1