Archive for February, 2013


Haiku Review: Dark Skies (2013)

dark skiesStarring: Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton & J.K. Simmons
Written & directed by Scott Stewart

A family is terrorized by aliens.


‘Cause close encounters
are not all musical tones
and mashed potatoes.

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Dark Skies is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2387433/?ref_=sr_1

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It’s Oscar weekend, which means it’s once again time for The Haiku Review to reveal its best films of last year. And thanks to Ben Affleck, waterboarding, vengeful slaves, a French pillow, and one exceedingly incompetent fast-food restaurant staff, 2012 turned out to be a fantastic time at the cinema. So without further ado, here are the ten best movies of the year. Continue reading

apparitionIt’s Oscar weekend, which means it’s once again time for The Haiku Review to reveal its best and worst films of last year. This time around, the barrel’s bottom was scraped by scarily bad horror films, shriveled old action stars, and a fairly tale adaptation that won’t leave you living happily ever after. So without further ado, here are the five worst films of 2012. Continue reading

OBAmericaIt’s Oscar weekend, which means it’s once again time for The Haiku Review to reveal its best and worst films of last year. But sometimes filling out a worst list can be difficult, since there are always a handful of terrible-looking films that THR deems unworthy of slogging through just to get down a few measly (and presumably vitriolic) syllables. Therefore, please enjoy the second annual “blacklist”- the top (or rather bottom) five films whose concepts, trailers, contributors and/or very existence caused this haikuist to shield his eyeballs and forever banish them to the “unwatched” pile. Continue reading

die hard 5Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Mary Elizabeth Winstead & Yuliya Snigir
Written by Skip Woods
Directed by John Moore

John McClane travels to Russia where he and his estranged son attempt to foil a nuclear weapons heist.


It’s a good day to
call it quits ’cause this franchise
is dying easy.

Grade: C


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
A Good Day to Die Hard is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1606378/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Sinister (2012)

sinisterStarring: Ethan Hawke, Juliet Rylance & Fred Dalton Thompson
Written by Scott Derrickson & C. Robert Cargill
Directed by Scott Derrickson

A true crime author moves into the home where a young girl disappeared after her family was murdered and begins an investigation that uncovers a terrifying truth.


Ethan Hawke gets scared
by pagan snuff films, lack of
career momentum.

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Sinister is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 2/19/13.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1922777/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Amour (2012)

amourStarring: Jean-Louis Trintignant, Emmanuelle Riva & Isabelle Huppert
Written and directed by Michael Haneke

An elderly man struggles to care for his wife after her health begins to deteriorate.


It’s like Up, but the
first scene lasts two hours and
there are no balloons.

Grade: A


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Amour is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1602620/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: End of Watch (2012)

end of watchStarring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Pena, Anna Kendrick, Natalie Martinez & America Ferrera
Written and directed by David Ayer

Two Los Angeles police officers find themselves in danger when they stumble upon a violent drug cartel.


I don’t remember
any cops on Cops looking
like Jake Gyllenhaal.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
End of Watch is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1855199/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: For a Good Time, Call…

for a good time callStarring: Ari Graynor, Lauren Anne Miller, Mark Webber, Justin Long, James Wolk, Mimi Rogers, Nia Vardalos, Kevin Smith, Seth Rogen & Ken Marino
Written by Katie Anne Nayon & Lauren Anne Miller
Directed by Jamie Travis

Odd-couple roommmates operate a phone-sex business.


Pretty much the best
time one could have that involves
faking orgasms.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
For a Good Time, Call… is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1996264/?ref_=sr_1

paperboyStarring: Zac Efron, Matthew McConaughey, Nicole Kidman, John Cusack, David Oyelowo & Macy Gray
Screenplay by Lee Daniels and Peter Dexter
Directed by Lee Daniels

A reporter returns to his Southern hometown to solve a mystery involving a murdered sheriff and a death row inmate.

Nicole Kidman does
what most of us want to do:
piss on Zac Efron.

Grade: C-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Paperboy is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1496422/?ref_=sr_1