Archive for July, 2013

Haiku Review: RED 2 (2013)

red2Starring: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones
Written by Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber
Directed by Dean Parisot

A team of retired CIA operatives must track down a weapon of mass destruction that’s been hidden for decades.

Keep giving Helen
Mirren guns and camouflage,
I’ll keep paying you.

Grade: B-

By Daniel J. Hoag
RED 2 is playing now in theaters nationwide.


incredible burt wStarring: Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin, James Gandolfini & Jim Carrey
Screenplay by Jonathan Goldstein & John Francis Daley
Directed by Don Scardino

A washed-up magician feuds with his longtime partner and faces competition from a flashy street performer.

The only trick here
is how Jim Carrey makes his
career disappear.

Grade: C

By Daniel J. Hoag
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

conjuringStarring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Lili Taylor & Ron Livingston
Written by Chad Hayes & Carey W. Hayes
Directed by James Wan

Based on the true story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who, in 1971, helped a family that was being terrorized by a demonic presence shortly after moving into a new home.

Prepare yourself for
the scariest film ever
made about clapping.

Grade: B

By Daniel J. Hoag
The Conjuring is now playing in theaters nationwide.


pac rimStarring: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day, Burn Gorman & Ron Perlman
Written by Travis Beacham & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Guillermo del Toro

The human race must save itself from extinction by using giant mechanical robots to battle monstrous creatures that are rising up out of the ocean.

Giant robots fight
giant monsters. Who needs those
stupid Transformers?

Grade: B+

By Daniel J. Hoag
Pacific Rim is now playing in theaters nationwide.


eastStarring: Brit Marling, Alexander Skarsgård, Ellen Page, Patricia Clarkson, Jason Ritter & Julia Ormond
Written by Zal Batmanglij & Brit Marling
Directed by Zal Batmanglij

An operative for a private security firm is sent to infiltrate an eco-terrorist group known as The East.

That True Blood guy gets
naked and people will do
anything for him.

Grade: B+

By Daniel J. Hoag
The East is playing now in select cities.


purgeStarring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey & Rhys Wakefield
Written and directed by James DeMonaco

A security expert and his family are held under siege during the Annual Purge, a 12-hour period when all crime–including murder–is legal.

You mean the king of
security’s never heard
of a panic room?

Grade: C+

By Daniel J. Hoag
The Purge is playing now in theaters nationwide.


heatStarring: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Demián Bichir, Marlon Wayans, Michael Rapaport & Jane Curtin
Written by Katie Dippold
Directed by Paul Feig

An uptight FBI agent and a crude Boston cop team up to stop a high-level drug dealer.

This is what Lethal
Weapon looks like now that Mel
Gibson’s gone crazy.

Grade: B

By Daniel J. Hoag
The Heat is playing now in theaters nationwide.