Haiku Review: Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Morris Chestnut, Clark Duke, Donald Faison, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, John Leguizamo & Jim Carrey
Written and directed by Jeff Wadlow

Kick-Ass and Hit Girl join forces with other citizens dressed as superheroes to stop the vengeance-fueled rampage of Red Mist.


Jim Carrey in a
mask: now much creepier than
when he was The Mask.

Grade: C+


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Kick-Ass 2 is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1650554/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

Haiku Review: Carrie (2013)

Starring: Chloë Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer & Portia Doubleday
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen & Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Directed by Kimberly Peirce

After suffering abuse at the hands of her fanatically religious mother and cruel high school bullies, a teenage girl with telekinetic powers is pushed to the point of revenge.


One of her powers
is the ability to
make you roll your eyes.

Grade: C


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Carrie is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1939659/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, Luke Evans, Stephen Fry & Benedict Cumberbatch
Written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Peter Jackson

Bilbo Baggins continues his quest to help his dwarven companions reclaim their homeland – a journey that leads him straight into the lair of the mighty dragon Smaug.


Aren’t these films supposed
to be more about, you know,
the freaking Hobbit!

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1170358/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Eccleston, Zachary Levi, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings & Stellan Skarsgård
Written by Christopher L. Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Directed by Alan Taylor

Thor must rely on his dangerous and untrustworthy brother, Loki, to help stop an evil Dark Elf from destroying the universe.


Since when does Asgard
look like Rivendell and fight
Dark Elves? #wheresgollum

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Thor: The Dark World is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1981115/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: You’re Next (2013)

Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn, AJ Bowen & Joe Swanberg
Written by Simon Barrett
Directed by Adam Wingard

A wealthy but dysfunctional family finds itself under attack from a trio of masked killers.


Once you have sex next
to your dead mom, it’s hard to
go back to normal.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
You’re Next is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1853739/?ref_=hm_inth_t3

Haiku Review: The East (2013)

Starring: Brit Marling, Alexander Skarsgård, Ellen Page, Patricia Clarkson, Jason Ritter & Julia Ormond
Written by Zal Batmanglij & Brit Marling
Directed by Zal Batmanglij

An operative for a private security firm is sent to infiltrate an eco-terrorist group known as The East.


That True Blood guy gets
naked and people will do
anything for him.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The East is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1869716/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: The Purge (2013)

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey & Rhys Wakefield
Written and directed by James DeMonaco

A security expert and his family are held under siege during the Annual Purge, a 12-hour period when all crime–including murder–is legal.


You mean the king of
security’s never heard
of a panic room?

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Purge is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2184339/

Haiku Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare & Derek Mears
Written and directed by Tommy Wirkola

Fairy tale siblings Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches.


This tooth-rotting house
is made of stale candy corn,
sh!tty dialogue.

Grade: D


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Benedict Cumberbatch, Anton Yelchin, Bruce Greenwood, Peter Weller & Alice Eve
Written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman & Damon Lindelof
Directed by J.J. Abrams

The crew of the Enterprise is sent on a rogue mission to capture a terrorist responsible for attacks against Starfleet.


Cumberbatch strikes fear
across galaxies without
sporting a mullet.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Star Trek: Into Darkness opens in theaters nationwide tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1408101/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson & Tania Raymonde
Screenplay by Adam Marcus & Debra Sullivan and Kristen Elms
Directed by John Luessenhop

A young woman inherits a Texas farmhouse where she discovers her connection to a chainsaw-wielding murderer.


You’re not supposed to
“like” the psychopath, just how
he butchers assholes.

Grade: C-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Texas Chainsaw is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1572315/?ref_=sr_1