Haiku Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, Luke Evans, Stephen Fry & Benedict Cumberbatch
Written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Peter Jackson

Bilbo Baggins continues his quest to help his dwarven companions reclaim their homeland – a journey that leads him straight into the lair of the mighty dragon Smaug.


Aren’t these films supposed
to be more about, you know,
the freaking Hobbit!

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1170358/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Eccleston, Zachary Levi, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings & Stellan Skarsgård
Written by Christopher L. Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Directed by Alan Taylor

Thor must rely on his dangerous and untrustworthy brother, Loki, to help stop an evil Dark Elf from destroying the universe.


Since when does Asgard
look like Rivendell and fight
Dark Elves? #wheresgollum

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Thor: The Dark World is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1981115/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: Escape from Tomorrow (2013)

Starring: Roy Abramsohn & Elena Schuber
Written & directed by Randy Moore

A man begins to question his sanity when a trip to Disney World with his family leads to numerous disturbing and surreal encounters.


Don’t forget that the
Mouse House is essentially
a place for vermin.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Escape from Tomorrow is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2187884/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Haiku Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare & Derek Mears
Written and directed by Tommy Wirkola

Fairy tale siblings Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches.


This tooth-rotting house
is made of stale candy corn,
sh!tty dialogue.

Grade: D


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Jon Favreau & Ben Kingsley
Written by Drew Pearce & Shane Black
Directed by Shane Black

Tony Stark dons his metal suit to battle a terrorist called The Mandarin.


We get it, Gwyneth.
You have really nice abs. Please
put a shirt back on.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Iron Man 3 is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1300854/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

Starring: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams & Zach Braff
Written by Mitchell Kapner and David Lindsay-Abaire
Directed by Sam Raimi

The story of how a swindling magician became the Wizard of Oz and defended the fantasy realm from a pair of evil witches.


Like Oz himself, this
film is just a screen with no
magic behind it.

Grade: C-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Oz the Great and Powerful is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1623205/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage & Andy Serkis
Written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Peter Jackson

60 years before the events in The Lord of the Rings, a young Bilbo Baggins reluctantly sets out with a group of dwarfs who are bent on reclaiming their lost kingdom from the fierce dragon Smaug.


Bless us and splash us
Gollum’s most precious in this
overstuffed return.

Grade: B


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/

Haiku Review: Holy Motors (2012)

Starring: Denis Lavant, Edith Scob, Eva Mendes & Kylie Minogue
Written & directed by Leos Carax

In this French fantasy, the mysterious Monsieur Oscar travels the streets of Paris in a limousine, going from appointment to appointment, each time transforming himself into a new persona for a new role.


For those who like films
deeply metaphorical
and batsh*t crazy.

Grade: A-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Holy Motors is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2076220/

(Blu) Haiku Review: Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost & Toby Jones
Screenplay by Evan Daugherty and John Lee Hancock and Hossein Amini
Directed by Rupert Sanders

When a princess escapes the clutches of an evil queen, a hunter is dispatched to retrieve her.


Stewart’s the rotten
core that helps make this shiny
apple taste so bad.

Grade: C+


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Snow White and the Huntsman is available on Blu-ray and DVD tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735898/

Haiku Review: Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)

Starring: Quvenzhané Wallis & Dwight Henry
Written by Lucy Alibar and Benh Zeitlin
Directed by Benh Zeitlin

In her Louisiana Delta community known as The Bathtub, six-year-old Hushpuppy faces her father’s ailing health, devastating environmental conditions, and the threatening approach of an army of prehistoric creatures called aurochs.


A stark, stunning realm
This is where the Wild things are
A young star is born

Grade: A


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Beasts of the Southern Wild is now playing in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2125435/