Haiku Review: Carrie (2013)

Starring: Chloë Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer & Portia Doubleday
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen & Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Directed by Kimberly Peirce

After suffering abuse at the hands of her fanatically religious mother and cruel high school bullies, a teenage girl with telekinetic powers is pushed to the point of revenge.


One of her powers
is the ability to
make you roll your eyes.

Grade: C


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Carrie is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1939659/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Eccleston, Zachary Levi, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings & Stellan Skarsgård
Written by Christopher L. Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Directed by Alan Taylor

Thor must rely on his dangerous and untrustworthy brother, Loki, to help stop an evil Dark Elf from destroying the universe.


Since when does Asgard
look like Rivendell and fight
Dark Elves? #wheresgollum

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Thor: The Dark World is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1981115/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: The World’s End (2013)

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, Eddie Marsan & Rosamund Pike
Written by Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg
Directed by Edgar Wright

Five friends reunite to finish an epic pub crawl they attempted in their youth, but instead find themselves confronted by an otherworldly threat to humanity.


Out of all the year’s
end-of-the-world flicks, this is
the one to die for.

Grade: A-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The World’s End is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213663/?ref_=sr_2

Haiku Review: The Conjuring (2013)

Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Lili Taylor & Ron Livingston
Written by Chad Hayes & Carey W. Hayes
Directed by James Wan

Based on the true story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who, in 1971, helped a family that was being terrorized by a demonic presence shortly after moving into a new home.


Prepare yourself for
the scariest film ever
made about clapping.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Conjuring is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1457767/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Pacific Rim (2013)

Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day, Burn Gorman & Ron Perlman
Written by Travis Beacham & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Guillermo del Toro

The human race must save itself from extinction by using giant mechanical robots to battle monstrous creatures that are rising up out of the ocean.


Giant robots fight
giant monsters. Who needs those
stupid Transformers?

Grade: B+


c2103
By Daniel J. Hoag
Pacific Rim is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1663662/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare & Derek Mears
Written and directed by Tommy Wirkola

Fairy tale siblings Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches.


This tooth-rotting house
is made of stale candy corn,
sh!tty dialogue.

Grade: D


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: This Is the End (2013)

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride, Michael Cera & Emma Watson
Written & directed by Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg

Hollywood celebrities attempt to survive the apocalypse by barricading themselves inside actor James Franco’s house.


Whoa, Catholic school failed
to mention the whole getting-
raped-by-demons thing.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
This Is the End is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1245492/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Mama (2013)

Starring: Jessica Chastain & Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Screenplay by Neil Cross and Andy Muschietti & Barbara Muschietti
Directed by Andy Muschietti

When two young girls are taken in by their uncle and his girlfriend after living alone in the woods for several years, a haunting, maternal presence follows them to their new home.


Hey, for a little
extra free time, I’d let a
ghost watch my children.

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Mama is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2023587/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Room 237 (2013)

Directed by Rodney Ascher

This documentary explores numerous conspiracy theories about the hidden meanings that Stanley Kubrick supposedly buried in his 1980 film The Shining.


All work and no play
makes Jack dream up some crazy,
whacked-out ideas.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Room 237 is playing now in select cities.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2085910/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Jon Favreau & Ben Kingsley
Written by Drew Pearce & Shane Black
Directed by Shane Black

Tony Stark dons his metal suit to battle a terrorist called The Mandarin.


We get it, Gwyneth.
You have really nice abs. Please
put a shirt back on.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Iron Man 3 is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1300854/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1