Haiku Review: Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Starring: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Chloë Grace Moretz, Morris Chestnut, Clark Duke, Donald Faison, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, John Leguizamo & Jim Carrey
Written and directed by Jeff Wadlow

Kick-Ass and Hit Girl join forces with other citizens dressed as superheroes to stop the vengeance-fueled rampage of Red Mist.


Jim Carrey in a
mask: now much creepier than
when he was The Mask.

Grade: C+


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Kick-Ass 2 is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1650554/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

Haiku Review: Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Christopher Eccleston, Zachary Levi, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Rene Russo, Kat Dennings & Stellan Skarsgård
Written by Christopher L. Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Directed by Alan Taylor

Thor must rely on his dangerous and untrustworthy brother, Loki, to help stop an evil Dark Elf from destroying the universe.


Since when does Asgard
look like Rivendell and fight
Dark Elves? #wheresgollum

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Thor: The Dark World is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1981115/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: Man of Steel (2013)

Starring: Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Kevin Costner, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne & Russell Crowe
Screenplay by David S. Goyer
Directed by Zack Snyder

A young man with extraordinary powers must confront his extraterrestrial heritage when Earth is threatened by criminals from his home planet.


Look, up on the screen!
It’s a bird! A plane! No, wait–
it’s a turd in tights!

Grade: C


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Man of Steel is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0770828/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: RED 2 (2013)

Starring: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones
Written by Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber
Directed by Dean Parisot

A team of retired CIA operatives must track down a weapon of mass destruction that’s been hidden for decades.


Keep giving Helen
Mirren guns and camouflage,
I’ll keep paying you.

Grade: B-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
RED 2 is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1821694/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: The Heat (2013)

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Demián Bichir, Marlon Wayans, Michael Rapaport & Jane Curtin
Written by Katie Dippold
Directed by Paul Feig

An uptight FBI agent and a crude Boston cop team up to stop a high-level drug dealer.


This is what Lethal
Weapon looks like now that Mel
Gibson’s gone crazy.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Heat is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2404463/?ref_=hm_cht_t3

Haiku Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare & Derek Mears
Written and directed by Tommy Wirkola

Fairy tale siblings Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt witches.


This tooth-rotting house
is made of stale candy corn,
sh!tty dialogue.

Grade: D


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1428538/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Snitch (2013)

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Jon Bernthal, Michael K. Williams, Melina Kanakaredes, Benjamin Bratt & Susan Sarandon
Written by Justin Haythe and Ric Roman Waugh
Directed by Ric Roman Waugh

When a man’s son is arrested for narcotics possession, he makes a deal to infiltrate a local drug ring to reduce his son’s sentence, but soon finds himself in over his head with a Mexican cartel.


Can you smell what The
Rock is cooking? I’m worried
that it might be meth.

Grade: B-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Snitch is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0882977/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: World War Z (2013)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz & James Badge Dale
Written by Matthew Michael Carnahan and Drew Goddard & Damon Lindelof
Directed by Marc Forster

A United Nations employee traverses the globe investigating a zombie pandemic that is threatening to bring about the extinction of humanity.


Hey, that zombie book
you love has been turned into
a movie title!

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
World War Z is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall, Jon Favreau & Ben Kingsley
Written by Drew Pearce & Shane Black
Directed by Shane Black

Tony Stark dons his metal suit to battle a terrorist called The Mandarin.


We get it, Gwyneth.
You have really nice abs. Please
put a shirt back on.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Iron Man 3 is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1300854/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Jack Reacher (2012)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Rosamund Pike, Richard Jenkins, Werner Herzog, David Oyelowo, Robert Duvall, Jai Courtney & Michael Raymond-James
Written and directed by Christopher McQuarrie

An ex-military investigator is called in to uncover the truth behind a sniper shooting.


As the six-foot-five
brute of the books, Cruise comes up
(literally) short.

Grade: C


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Jack Reacher is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790724/?ref_=sr_1