Haiku Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013)

Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly, Luke Evans, Stephen Fry & Benedict Cumberbatch
Written by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Peter Jackson

Bilbo Baggins continues his quest to help his dwarven companions reclaim their homeland – a journey that leads him straight into the lair of the mighty dragon Smaug.


Aren’t these films supposed
to be more about, you know,
the freaking Hobbit!

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1170358/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: Captain Phillips (2013)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Barkhad Abdi & Catherine Keener
Written by Billy Ray
Directed by Paul Greengrass

The true story of the hijacking of an American cargo ship by Somali pirates in 2009.


Finally a film
about pirates that doesn’t
involve Johnny Depp.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Captain Phillips is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1535109/?ref_=nv_sr_5

Haiku Review: 12 Years a Slave (2013)

Starring: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Michael Fassbender, Lupita Nyong’o, Benedict Cumberbatch, Paul Dano, Sarah Paulson, Brad Pitt & Paul Giamatti
Written by John Ridley
Directed by Steve McQueen

Based on the true story of Solomon Northup, a free black man from New York in pre-Civil War America, who was kidnapped and sold into slavery, which led to twelve long years of brutality and hardship.


Germany is not
the only country with a
shameful history.

Grade: A


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
12 Years a Slave is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2024544/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Haiku Review: The World’s End (2013)

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Martin Freeman, Paddy Considine, Eddie Marsan & Rosamund Pike
Written by Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg
Directed by Edgar Wright

Five friends reunite to finish an epic pub crawl they attempted in their youth, but instead find themselves confronted by an otherworldly threat to humanity.


Out of all the year’s
end-of-the-world flicks, this is
the one to die for.

Grade: A-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The World’s End is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213663/?ref_=sr_2

Haiku Review: You’re Next (2013)

Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn, AJ Bowen & Joe Swanberg
Written by Simon Barrett
Directed by Adam Wingard

A wealthy but dysfunctional family finds itself under attack from a trio of masked killers.


Once you have sex next
to your dead mom, it’s hard to
go back to normal.

Grade: B+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
You’re Next is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1853739/?ref_=hm_inth_t3

Haiku Review: RED 2 (2013)

Starring: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones
Written by Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber
Directed by Dean Parisot

A team of retired CIA operatives must track down a weapon of mass destruction that’s been hidden for decades.


Keep giving Helen
Mirren guns and camouflage,
I’ll keep paying you.

Grade: B-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
RED 2 is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1821694/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Snitch (2013)

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Barry Pepper, Jon Bernthal, Michael K. Williams, Melina Kanakaredes, Benjamin Bratt & Susan Sarandon
Written by Justin Haythe and Ric Roman Waugh
Directed by Ric Roman Waugh

When a man’s son is arrested for narcotics possession, he makes a deal to infiltrate a local drug ring to reduce his son’s sentence, but soon finds himself in over his head with a Mexican cartel.


Can you smell what The
Rock is cooking? I’m worried
that it might be meth.

Grade: B-


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Snitch is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0882977/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: World War Z (2013)

Starring: Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, Daniella Kertesz & James Badge Dale
Written by Matthew Michael Carnahan and Drew Goddard & Damon Lindelof
Directed by Marc Forster

A United Nations employee traverses the globe investigating a zombie pandemic that is threatening to bring about the extinction of humanity.


Hey, that zombie book
you love has been turned into
a movie title!

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
World War Z is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0816711/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: This Is the End (2013)

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride, Michael Cera & Emma Watson
Written & directed by Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg

Hollywood celebrities attempt to survive the apocalypse by barricading themselves inside actor James Franco’s house.


Whoa, Catholic school failed
to mention the whole getting-
raped-by-demons thing.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
This Is the End is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1245492/?ref_=sr_1

Haiku Review: Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Benedict Cumberbatch, Anton Yelchin, Bruce Greenwood, Peter Weller & Alice Eve
Written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman & Damon Lindelof
Directed by J.J. Abrams

The crew of the Enterprise is sent on a rogue mission to capture a terrorist responsible for attacks against Starfleet.


Cumberbatch strikes fear
across galaxies without
sporting a mullet.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Star Trek: Into Darkness opens in theaters nationwide tomorrow.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1408101/?ref_=sr_1