Haiku Review: Carrie (2013)

Starring: Chloë Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer & Portia Doubleday
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen & Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Directed by Kimberly Peirce

After suffering abuse at the hands of her fanatically religious mother and cruel high school bullies, a teenage girl with telekinetic powers is pushed to the point of revenge.


One of her powers
is the ability to
make you roll your eyes.

Grade: C


c2014
By Daniel J. Hoag
Carrie is now available on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1939659/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

Haiku Review: The Great Gatsby (2013)

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Elizabeth Debicki, Isla Fisher & Jason Clarke
Written by Baz Luhrmann & Craig Pearce
Directed by Baz Luhrmann

A mysterious millionaire seeks to rekindle a romance with the woman he loves, even though she is now married to another man.


Luhrmann wouldn’t know
subtlety if Daisy mowed
it down with his car.

Grade: C+


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
The Great Gatsby is playing now in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1343092/?ref_=sr_1

(Blu) Haiku Review: Dredd (2012)

Starring: Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby, Wood Harris & Lena Headey
Screenplay by Alex Garland
Directed by Pete Travis

In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, two law enforcement officers, known as “Judges,” must survive being trapped in a 200-story apartment slum where they are hunted by a ruthless drug kingpin and her well-armed minions.


It doesn’t co-star
Rob Schneider, thus instantly
better than Stallone’s.

Grade: B


c2013
By Daniel J. Hoag
Dredd is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 1/8/13.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1343727/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Haiku Review: Life of Pi (2012)

Starring: Suraj Sharma, Irrfan Khan & Rafe Spall
Screenplay by David Magee
Directed by Ang Lee

After the ship carrying his father’s zoo animals sinks at sea, a young man finds himself fighting for survival while sharing a lifeboat with a dangerous Bengal tiger.


Ang Lee makes something
(3)Deep out of book club pop-
spiritual fluff.

Grade: A-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Life of Pi is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454876/

(Blu) Haiku Review: Being Flynn (2012)

Starring: Robert De Niro, Paul Dano, Olivia Thirlby, Lili Taylor & Julianne Moore
Written and directed by Paul Weitz

Based on Nick Flynn’s memior Another Bullshit Night in Suck City about the struggle to find his voice as an author and his troubled relationship with his homeless father.


A bland bio, but
if it keeps De Niro from
doing comedies…

Grade: C+


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Being Flynn is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455323/

Haiku Review: One for the Money (2012)

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, Daniel Sunjata, John Leguizamo & Debbie Reynolds
Screenplay by Stacy Sherman & Karen Ray and Liz Brixius
Directed by Julie Anne Robinson

When Stephanie Plum takes a job as a bail bonds recovery agent, she finds herself chasing down a fugitive cop with whom she shares a romantic past.


Miscast, mishandled,
this stillborn franchise brings fans
Plum disappointment.

Grade: C


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
One for the Money is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1598828/

DVD Haiku Review: Exporting Raymond (2011)

Featuring: Phil Rosenthal
Written and directed by Phil Rosenthal

When Everybody Loves Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal travels to Russia to help adapt his show for Russian audiences, he encounters a great number of setbacks involving unique characters and unbelievable situations.


Phil, if their paying,
who cares if Russkies crap all
over your baby?

Grade: B-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Exporting Raymond is available now on DVD.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1356763/

Haiku Review: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (2011)

Starring: Thomas Horn, Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Max von Sydow, Viola Davis & Jeffrey Wright
Screenplay by Eric Roth
Directed by Stephen Daldry

After a boy finds a key in his parent’s closet, he goes in search of the lock that will fit it, believing that there will be a special message left to him by his father, who died on September 11th.


“Think we can make folks
cry with this 9/11
thing?”–Stephen Daldry

Grade: B-


c2012
By Daniel J. Hoag
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is now playing in theaters nationwide.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477302/

(Blu) Haiku Review: Gulliver’s Travels (2010)

Starring: Jack Black, Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Amanda Peet & Billy Connolly
Screenplay by Joe Stillman and Nicholas Stoller
Directed by Rob Letterman

In the latest take on Jonathan Swift’s novel, a lowly mailroom clerk is shipwrecked on the fantastical island of Lilliput where he is a giant to the tiny natives.


A hackneyed update.
How did Blunt get in this mess?
Swift rolls in his grave.

Grade: D+


c2011
By Daniel J. Hoag
Gulliver’s Travels is available on Blu-ray and DVD on 4/19/11.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320261/